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Life Goes On: Chapter 1

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Life Goes On: Chapter 1

NCIS/Supernatural X-over


 Gibbs strode out of the elevator into a nearly empty office space, a new case already on his mind. With his coffee in hand, he approached the loudest area in the building at this time in the morning. His team was already wide awake and arguing, like always.
  "Come on McGeek, live a little!" His senior field agent, Tony DiNozzo, fake whined, a grin on his face.
 ”Tony! I‘m not doing this today!” Timothy McGee, their tech savvy agent growled. In a show of agitation, he stomped away to his cluttered desk. Attempting to organize the stacks of files, he continued his show of frustration. Tony rolled his eyes, grinning- no doubt already planning a prank.
“Tony just drop it” Their foreign agent, Ziva David, said exasperatedly.
“Oh come o-”
Gibbs slapped him roughly on the back of his head, saying, “Knock it off.”
Tony rubbed the back of his head in surprise, ”B-boss I was just uh-”
Gibbs sighed, “If your done screwing around, we have another Blue hand victim to investigate.” He grabbed his bag and was already striding back to the elevator before they could even begin to process his words. After a moment, they were scrabbling to their feet, before running to catch up with him.
Gibbs let out another sigh, taking a long drink of his coffee. He already knew it was going to be yet another arduous day.
Over the past week, three other victims had been found- all in dark, secluded places such as alleys, sewers , and condemned buildings. All of the victims had been in their 40’s to 50’s and all had suffered from PTSD. They each had good service records, but otherwise lacked any connection. Non of them had met any of the others, ever. All of their bodies had a blue hand print marking their right arms, and the strangest part is that their innards were all but jelly by the time the killer was finished with them. The team was at a complete dead end so far and it frustrated him beyond measure. 
This needed to stop. Innocent civilians were suffering at the hands of some maniac with a fetish for jello, and it had to be put to an end before the criminal could harm anyone else. Whoever was doing this deserved to be put behind bars.

-----NCIS-----SN-----NCIS-----SN-----NCIS-----SN-----NCIS-----SN-----NCIS-----SN-----

He arrived at the crime scene which, this time, was an alleyway. He ducked under the yellow, crime tape flashing his badge at a couple of police officers who were about to stop him. He gave the area a quick glance, seeing a crowd forming- civilians attempting to see what was going on. 
Turning back to the crime, he noted how his team was already at work, performing their respective roles. Tony was questioning the person who found the victim while Ziva was searching the area for any evidence that pertained to the case. McGee was doing his by check for any cameras in the area that might have a picture of their murderer. Gibbs decided he better get to work as well, and began to make his way over to the victim as a young officer began to walk beside him.
“Agent Gibbs?” He asked.
“That’s me. What do you have for us?” Gibbs said, nodding in acknowledgment to the young man.
“I’m petty officer Smith. Um- a jogger- Jacob Anderson- found the victim around 7: 32 this morning. His ID says his name was Marcus Durnim, I found out he was a retired marine so I called you guys in. He seemed to fit the profile of the case you guys are on, so I thought you should take a look at it. ”
 As they approached the body Gibbs could see that it was starting to make the kid queasy  so he said a quick ”Thanks” in dismissal, letting the guy have a chance to retreat back to the perimeter of the scene. The young man quickly escaped the presence of the body, nodding to Gibbs in thanks as he went.
“What do you have for me Ducky?” He asked, crouching down next to the older male. Ducky heaved a sigh of disappointment and agitation.
He spoke with disappointment,” I’m afraid I don’t have anything new for you, Jethro. He appears to be yet another unfortunate victim of the Blue Hand, but there’s nothing any different about this one. Oh dear- poor lad. I can’t be positive until I’ve performed the autopsy, but I have no doubt his organs are like gelatin, just like the last few victims.”
Ducky sighed again before signaling for the body to be taken to the morgue.
After packing up their tools, they went back to their office with nothing new on the killer. Gibbs sat down at his desk, finishing the last of his coffee before he threw it into the trash bin.
“Tell me one of you found something on this bastard.”
“Um- I've got all of the security tapes, I’m looking through them now boss…” McGee responded with tired uncertainty, typing away at his computer.
“Tony? Ziva?” Gibbs questioned.
“Found nothing so far boss. As usual, no witnesses.” Tony replied with a bored expression, clicking something on his computer.
Ziva shook her head, “I found no weapons or bodily fluid. Perhaps Abby has something for us?” Gibbs gave a nod and walked toward the elevator, deciding that it was indeed a great time to check in with her. 
But first he had to get her a Caf-Pow.

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Gibbs walked to the forensics lab with a cold Caf-Pow in hand.
“Tell me you have something new, Abbs.”
Abby spun around with a squeal, running up and wrapping her arms around him tightly, “I missed you SO much Gibbs!” Gibbs chuckled and gave her a quick kiss on the top of her head.
“Abbs.” He said sternly. She disentangled herself with a sudden frown before giving a loud sigh.
“I don’t have anything new Gibbs. I can’t find anything that would contain these kinds of hallucinogens and make a person’s insides turn into mush! There’s nothing here that would suggest that sort of capability- there are only chemicals in here that screw around with your head,-not- not this!”
“Abby.” He said, gripping her arms tightly, “Just tell me when you find something, ok? We’re all doing our best right now- we’re all frustrated with this case.”
She sighed in frustration, “Of course Gibbs…can I still have-” 
When she looked up the doors were already closing behind him and a new, cold, extra-large Caf-Pow stood on her shelf.
 She picked it up with a small grin, taking a sip. Gibbs was always so sweet.

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Gibbs spent hours searching through the files of the four victims, but he couldn't find any other connections. He’d had a really bad feeling about these cases ever since the murders had started. Something told him the Blue hand just wasn't like most serial killers.
Before he could get up to question his team, McGee finished his work with a sudden shout, “Boss I think I have something!”
He was grinning as he projected the video up on the board. He pressed play and they all watched as the victim ran down the street, his chest heaving as he tripped over the sidewalk. He slammed into the ground, but before he could even attempt to recover, the killer was on him. It appeared to be a young male. He held down the man and reached out with his right arm -which was covered in strange tattoos (they appeared to be some type of cultish symbols)- They stared in disbelief as his eyes and fingers began glowing blue. The victim gave a final jerk, his eyes blown wide, before he slumped over- dead. The killer dropped him and rolled his sleeve back over his tattoos. 
“I think we've found our killer.”
“Great job, McGee,” Gibbs said, turning away- when Tony gasped sharply.
Gibbs turned back in surprise, the video was still rolling and a young man ran toward the victim, soon followed by another man- this one in a trench coat. No one could focus on him though, they were all left staring at the first man to enter the shot. He had a dirty blonde hair and tan skin, and when he looked up McGee stopped the video.
This case couldn't have gotten any worse.
They had found a man previously wanted by the FBI and thought to be deceased.
Dean Winchester.

Chapter 2: evillovebunny500.deviantart.co…
This is a crossover i decided to write u//oo//u
its NCIS & Supernatural
i had a ton of help and encouragement from :iconbunny500: and :iconsmasherlovesbunny500:
also :iconbunny500: beat'd it for me so it would be a better story to read u//vv//u
thank you so much guys<3<3<3
if you have any questions or anything i would absolutely LOVE your feedback<3<3


supernatural belongs to Eric Kripke
NCIS belongs to whoever owns it uoou;; i got kinda confused when i looked it up but ncis is defiantly not mine so there
© 2013 - 2024 Evieebunl25
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PumpkinQueen13's avatar
NCIS & Supernatural.  I've seen NCIS before, but not recently.  Supernatural on the other hand, I haven't bothered to watch.

Where to begin...

I'll have to say though that the characters are in character; but a lot of things stand out to me that needs to be further explained.

The dashes that you use "-" in the middle of sentences do not serve its purpose as a replacement colon ( : ), semi-colon ( ; ), or a comma (,).   Remember, these are your friends.

Space out paragraphs especially when you have more than one character talking; with each new character talking, you have make a new paragraph, otherwise it will appear sloppy.

Some of the characters in NCIS also refer to Gibbs by his last name only; they do not always call him or refer to him as "Boss".

Do not use parentheses in normal writing (writing that is not dialogue); the parentheses is in the section where the video of the crime is shown and you have the criminal's tattoos explained as "cultish symbols" in parentheses.  A comma could be placed in that section.


Misuse of Titles and Roles

“Tony, just drop it” Their foreign agent, Ziva David, said exasperatedly.

Ziva David may be a foreigner to the United States but that does not make her a foreign agent.  She is not referred to as "Foreign Agent" by her colleagues (at least not what I'm aware of, remember that I haven't watched the show for a while...).  She is referred to as "Special Agent" amongst other titles, but in NCIS, her major role is "Special Agent".

A foreign agent is anyone who actively carries out the interests of a foreign country while located in another host country.  This may be true to her if she was an actual agent in the US and not in the TV Show.

“What do you have for me Ducky?” He asked, crouching down next to the older male.  Ducky heaved a sigh of disappointment and agitation.

Ducky is a Medical Specialist and performs autopsies once the corpses reach the morgue; I do not think that he would be going to a crime scene with Gibbs and the others.  It may have changed overtime with me not seeing much episodes from the show, but I cannot be sure.  

Another issue is that Ducky isn't properly introduced; instead he is only introduced the moment Gibbs crouches down to the "older male" in which Gibbs asks him what he has for him.

“I’m petty officer Smith...."

A "petty officer" is a title referred in the US Navy and Coast Guard, not in crime scene investigations.  The crime is located in an alleyway not anywhere near water.  If the crime was to happen on a naval ship, then the title usage would be correct.


Telling not Showing

"Show don't tell" is to enable the readers to experience the story through action, words, thoughts, senses, and feelings.  With no description, the reader won't be able to visualize what's going on in the story, nor would they be able to feel what the characters are feelings and so on and so forth.

Here are a few examples:

In a show of agitation, he stomped away to his cluttered desk.

The next sentence further explains McGee trying to organize the mess on his desk.  The readers know it is a cluttered desk, but what does it have on it that makes it cluttered?  Are his files, folders, and papers scattered everywhere, things that don't belong on the desk, etc.?


The crime scene is written a little too vague; the innards of the victims may have turned gelatinous but is that all that happened, despite what the criminal did already with his tattoos?  Is the body decomposing?  I assume that the body is decomposing because in another section you have Gibbs excuse the officer because he was feeling queasy of the nauseous smell.  Describe the smell of decomposing flesh, if this is happening.



Grammar

The grammar I wasn't too worried about, you only have very minor grammar errors; for the sake of this critique, I shall point them out.

Gibbs sighed, “If your done screwing around, we have another Blue hand victim to investigate.”

"Your" shows possession.  "You're" is the contraction for "you are".  "You're" would be better in this sentence.

After a moment, they were scrabbling to their feet, before running to catch up with him.

"scrabbling" should be "scrambling"

“That’s me. What do you have for us?” Gibbs said, nodding in acknowledgment to the young man.

Gibbs is "asking" a question; the word "asked" should replace "said".

I apologize for the critique being so lengthy; also this is the format of how I do my critiques, feel free to accept my advice if you wish to take it.